Thursday, August 12, 2010

A letter to who I was a year ago

Admit it. You're scared shitless.

You're at the top of your game, and you're afraid you'll fuck it up.

Well, guess what? You're going to fuck it up. Epically. Or at least, that's what it'll look like on paper. Your GPA will go down the drain. You'll cry in front of people you really don't want to cry in front of. (You'll even end sentences on prepositions. For shame! Some editor you are.)

You'll meet a few people who will force you to admit that there really are huge douchebags in this world. You'll fight it, because you don't want to believe that. You're a lover, not a hater. But in the end, you'll have to confront people who will fail to respect your boundaries. And because it'll be an entirely new experience for you, you will not handle it all that well. You won't succeed. People will continue to step all over you. And that won't make you feel any better about things.

You're going to feel like shit for a long time.

But not forever. And after spending so much time outside your comfort zone, you'll get used to the idea of being away from yourself. You will meet a side of yourself you never knew existed before. You won't know whether to trust her at first: she's so unlike you. She won't write. And she'll tell a couple of the aforementioned douchebags that they're douchebags. She will be mean. And it will work. And that will break your heart.

But it'll be the best thing that ever happened to you. And the most terrifying, the most painful. And you're going to hate yourself a little bit. Okay, a lot. But it's all just part of getting out of your comfort zone. You're going to give this hatin' thing a try. And you won't like it one bit. But you're going to have to learn how to deal with it.

And this is how you'll deal with it: You'll leave. You won't ask for anyone's opinion. You'll just do it because you'll know it's what you need to do. You will do this over and over again. You'll think you're being selfish, and you might be, but so what? You won't like the side of you that can't follow through with anything. But the side of you that can't follow through with anything is also the side of you that will get you out of this mess (and that one, and that one too): by dragging you out, by forcing you to leave right in the middle of something, several times over.

You'll beat yourself up because you'll think you can't handle it. But it's not that you can't handle it. It's just that you'll learn not to tolerate certain things from people. And that's one of the best things about you. If someone calls you a "feisty bitch" (and someone will), take it as a compliment. Make it into fuel, and go somewhere, even if you get lost. Because you will get lost: if you don't, you're not doing it right.

Hell, I don't know where I'm at in life. All I know is that I'm going somewhere.

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